11 / 15 / 09

I'm confused. Even though im pretty sure you don't feel the same way. You tell me you don't like anyone, but i know you do. I'm confused. Because I don't know who the person you like is, and who the person you don't like is. Honestly, I like you alot. It's gotten to the point where I can't stop thinking about you. It hurts so much when you ignore me and try to convince me to like another person. It's like you don't even know how much I like you, how much i care about you. And it hurts even more when the person you might like may be one of my best friends. I've already told you that you're the one I like. So it makes this a million times harder to write. Sometimes, if not all the time, I wish I didn't have the physical features I have now. Maybe that's why you don't feel the same way, but i'm still not sure, because i'm not as tall as the other guys and I know it would probably be weird to be with someone my height. I know not like the other guys. Who are always mean to you or always teasing you. I'm nice. Naturally. And i'm not good at being mean. At times i wonder, maybe being mean is better than being nice. But I don't know if i could pull off being mean all the time. It's because I care alot for others. Like how sometimes I wish i could have taken the hit by the truck instead of you. And I think to myself all the time, that if I could go back to that day, I'd push you away, instead of trying to fight back and be a hero. It hurts alot when I see you with other guys, in this empty space I call a heart. But you don't notice, no one ever notices, maybe it's better if nobody notices and I suffer in silence like I usually do. I'm no good with girls. And i'm not good at revealing my feelings, or opening up to people. It's probably true, how I mainly talk to the girl I like. I think it's because I like you too much and it doesn't feel the same when i talk to other girls. Or it's because i've never felt the same way about someone before. I wish I was brave. So i could tell you all the things i want to tell you. But i'm too self-concious. And what's inside, never comes out right for me. I hate the fact that I don't have any classes with you during school. And the fact that I basicly only talk to you after school. I try my hardest to talk to you more, I even changed the normal way I go to some classes so i could bump into you. But you're usually not there, or I don't know what to say. I know i'm just another 'typical' guy to you, but I try. I try so hard to make a difference. But nothing works. I'm horrible at talking with others. I wish i could talk so naturally like my other friends. And when I talk to you, I either talking really naturally, or I have to think about what to say. But I don't know what to say any more, I don't know what to do any more. The feelings I have for you won't stop coming. Won't stop hurting. I can't get you out of my head. It's like you're always here. But at the same time you're not.

I know there's basicly no point in writing this and this will probably hurt me in the future. But I think it's better to vent it out than keeping it in.